Monday, October 25, 2010

Meet the Producer

Above: Mark Kilbane, Producer, at the press conference
for The Man Who Never Missed, Capclave 2010
(from Facebook)

I get my best jokes about a particular profession from those in that profession -- lawyers always have the funniest lawyer jokes, doctors, doctor jokes, people in the media biz, etc. 

Some years ago, a producer on one of the animated shows upon which I worked told me this one, and since this is a post about a producer ...

It helps if you know anything about movies in LaLaLand, but it isn't necessary:

A writer, a director, and a producer are lost in the desert. The sun broils them,  terrain is bleak. Things are getting dire. 

The writer finds a stick and starts to dig near the base of a scrubby plant.

What are you doing? The director asks.

I'm digging a hole. Go deep enough, I'll hit water, and we'll be saved.

The director nods. Great idea. He points. Why don't you dig over there?

There? Why?

Trust me.

The writer frowns, but, okay. He starts digging where the director points.

He labors for hours. Finally, when he is exhausted and down about three feet, water begins to well at the bottom of the hole. Water! he yells. We're saved!

Great job! the director says. 

The producer walks over, unzips his fly, and pisses into the water.

The writer and director stare at him, aghast. What the fuck did you do that for?!

And the producer says ...

It needed something ...

Here it is germane to say that Mark Kilbane is also working on the script as the writer, and that I wouldn't be awfully surprised if he wound up being the director, come the funding.

But it is funny ...


kilbane said...

Absolutely hilarious. And sooo true. They just have to fuck with it because they can. Bureaucracies also work that way. William Goldman used to pad his scripts 15%, because he knew they would cut it down.
Right where he wanted it.
And no chance I'm directing... A. Don't know squat about it and B. No one would ever give a new director $15M to make a film--would YOU?
I do have a director who I think would be great, Jon Chu. Chinese American, USC Film School, highly visual director. Makes beautiful stuff with human movement. He made a B&W short while still at school that had no dialogue. Walks straight out of school into William Fucking Morris, and lands a studio gig on the teen Disney dance flicks Step Up 1,2,3...
His Asian background (he has his own dance troupe and they have a lot of marial arts elements) would add a nice perspective. And I've met him--very laid back.
Unfortunately he is a client of aforesaid William Fucking Morris, and they only want him to do studio pictures. Shocker. We should lobby him...

Justin said...

Gotta laugh to keep from crying...but I still shake my fist at the producers who have messed with my stuff over the years. It's especially poignant since my 3rd (and final) WWE game just came out, and critics are panning the very things I complained in vain about during the development process. At least they like the stories, which is what I got as my ONE credit.