Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Armageddon on the Streets


Here we go -- there's a company in L.A. now offering tourist buses to the worst areas of the inner city, to see where gang shootouts and sundry evils have taken place.

Are still taking place.

L.A. Gang Tours. I'm serious.

I think the St. Valentine's Day Massacre site got on the tourist maps after it went down in 1929, but I do believe they waited until after the killers had left the building before they started busing the tourists in ...

Can't you just see it? L.A. Safari?

Can I get an African drumbeat as b.g. music here?

"Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you look to the left, there, on the porch of the 'crack house,' you'll see two of the locals engaged in a drug transaction. The taller one is the 'dealer,' and the shorter one, the 'buyer.' Note how they keep looking around for law enforcement agents. If our Stretch Hummer didn't have fully-tinted windows, they would surely be spooked by the sight of us. So to speak.

"Now, if you will turn your attention to the corner, you will see a trio of brightly-arrayed female 'ho's,' and behind them standing next to the Cadillac Escalade in a zebra-skin coat, the male protector, 'the playuh.' Observe as 'the playuh' scans the street, looking for likely prospects and law enforcement officials. If you listen carefully, you can hear the 'ho's' mating calls, 'You-wanna-date? You-wanna-date?'"

"Here, across the street, a group of 'Bloods.' These young males are identified by their plumage, which is predominantly red. This is in contrast to the 'Crips,' whose markings are in the blue end of the spectrum. Generally, these two tribes are not found in close proximity, save for ritual combat over their territory. Observe as the -- uh oh! Step on it, Jerry, they are heading this way!

"Don't be alarmed, folks, the limo and glass are bulletproof and -- whoa! what the fuck was that? IED! Jerry! Get us out of here -- !

"Uh ... good afternoon, sir. Can we -- ah -- help you with something? Our watches and wallets? Certainly, certainly, no problem ..."

7 comments:

Dan Moran said...

Anyone who's interested in such tours, drop me a line. I can arrange such a tour much more cheaply than these people with their fancy limo. And your odds of getting out alive are roughly the same, either way.

Viro said...

I used to be able to give one of those tours for my old neighborhood in SE DC. Execution-style killing in that parking lot, rape on that side of my building behind those bushes, shooting over there at that corner, assault with a baseball bat over there... etc.

My neighborhood was considered a "good" neighborhood for SE DC, too...

Um, as an aside, what do you think about assisted-opening blades?

I picked up a Gerber Mini-Fast Draw over the weekend and am completely underwhelmed by it. The damned thing deployed in my pocket w/out my knowing it. I can activate its safety, but I end up fumbling with the knife when I go to use it. Bleh.

Steve Perry said...

Kershaw's Ken Onion designs seem to work pretty well in assisted opening designs. I've had three or four of those, and they are relatively inexpensive.

You can legally buy switchblades in this state, but you can't carry them concealed here or in Washington, and I'm not sure that those or the aa's deploy any faster than thumb-studs, thumb-hole, or centrifugal knives.

Scott said...

5.5" blade on a folder is legal in Texas, which solves the speed opening problem nicely; the longer and heavier the blade is, the easier it is to open with a flick of the wrist. 5" Cold Steel Vaquero or Voyager is a snap, ha ha.

I know, I know, he's an asshole; but I like his knives.

Anonymous said...

Take that tour through Robert Taylor Homes and see how long you last; armored Hummer doesn't do you much good after they roll the concrete-filled steel barrels into the street to stop you then shotgun your tires to pin you then show you the Molotov cocktails; roll down your windows or burn.

Then, of course, things get worse....

Dan Gambiera said...

Clarification: Owning a switchblade is completely legal in Oregon. So is carrying it non-concealed. Possession of a switchblade is a felony in Washington.

I haven't noticed any real difference in opening speed between automatic knives and thumb-powered ones. But I can absolutely guarantee that the catch or spring on the flick knife will fail the one time you really need it.

Self Defense Knives said...

@dan
no wonder a lot of the knife companies are in oregon.