Friday, July 01, 2011


Are you tired of teenaged girls on cell phones tailgating you on the highway? When you try to change lanes, does some obnoxious driver speed up to cut you off? Wish there was some way to make that oncoming idiot dim his headlights?

You need Perry's Zapper™!

Perry's Zapper™ is a portable electromagnetic pulse generator that will instantly render any unhardened computer circuitry inert! 

Perry's Zapper™ looks, and even works, like an ordinary cell phone, but it's so much more!

Operation couldn't be any easier! Switch the unit on, and using the built-in laser sight, put the glowing green dot on your target. Push the Zap button, and all on-board computer chips in the target vehicle will be fried in a heartbeat by an EMP beam with a range of one hundred and eighty meters! Not only the automobile's control systems, but as an extra added bonus, any portable devices inside the target vehicle, such as cell phones, laptop computers, and electronic tablets will also be zapped!

The built-in safety sensors in the Perry's Zapper™ will recognize and spare pacemakers and neural stimulators, so you won't be looking at accidental manslaughter charges!

Imagine the tailgater's surprise as her phone shuts off, her car's engine dies, and she coasts to a silent stop on the side of the highway! Thrill to the sight of the oncoming high-beam headlights going dark! 

You might expect to pay four or even five hundred dollars for such a device, but no, if you call within the next fifteen minutes, you can get Perry's Zapper™, with built-in laser sight and battery charger for the ridiculously-low price of only $99.99, plus shipping and handling!

But wait! If you order in the next fifteen minutes, we'll send you a second Perry's Zapper™ absolutely free–you just pay shipping and handing charges!  

To order Perry's Zapper™, call the number on the bottom of your screen right away! (Supplies are limited, you must be twenty-one or older, and this offer is not valid in Salt Lake City, Utah. Perry's Zapper™ is not affiliated with Garry's Particle Beam Device™. Will not work on classic and antique vehicles without modern electronics. Do not use on aircraft. If your penile implant develops rigidity lasting more than four hours, call your doctor. Offer void where prohibited by law. All sales are final, and Perry's Zapper™ Inc. is not responsible for accidental or willful misuse of this product.)

Don't wait! Order now!

Operators are standing by ...


Tiel Aisha Ansari said...

And, oh yeah... make sure you stick your arm out the window BEFORE you push that button...

Dave Huss said...

I'll take fifty!!! Gods, what an Idea! Beats being executed by the State of Texas for losing your cool and blazing away with your twelve gauge in traffic one day.

Bobbe Edmonds said...

I'll be needing a surplus of about 20, please, with the full warranty and support upgrades plan. If I could also get the "Perry Moronic Speeder in Four Feet Of Snow" brakelock ray, and a steering wheel-mounted "Perry's Patented Unblinking Lane-Changer Tire Disentegrator", I would appreciate it. If you could, I would like those included in the same shipment as my "Dianne Perrys' Power Yoga for Twisting Idiotic Speeders That Have Narrowly Missed You in the HOV Lane Into Pretzels" DVD.

Thank you so much.

Mike Byers said...

Does it come with a Ginzu knife, too?

Jim said...

Sorry... Zapper is dull. And leaves the cars in the way.

I want a disintegrator ray.

Anonymous said...

*want* only if completley directional. Cool bonus feature would be broadcasting Nelson's "ha-ha!" in all attached speakers for 3 seconds.