Running Out of Names

Daihatsu Naked (Really)

Back in the day, automobile companies tended to name their models, when they bothered, after things I recognized. Animal names -- Impala, Bronco, Cobra, Jaguar, Mustang, Panda, even a Beetle and Spyder. Thunderbird, Firebird, Falcon. Cougar. Viper.

There were ships, places, fish, Indian tribes, plants, weapons, vaporous states of being: Corvettes, El Dorados, Yukons, Stingrays, Barracuda, Apaches, Cherokees, Cutlasses, Javelins. Continentals, Regals, Diplomats, Stealths, Mirages, Shadows, Ghosts, and Phantoms.

Saw one the other day named after a hot pepper: Cayenne. Sad.

Apparently, all the names have been used up. Now, car companies pull them from ... somewhere, and they don't mean anything to anybody. I drove a "Miata" for a long time. Made-up word, doesn't mean anything.

"Lumina?" Or "Alero?" "Reatta, Achieva, Astre, Fiero, Prius?"

Bleh.

(I like the Daihatsu model "Naked," though.)

So, to help them out, I am offering the car companies some real-world names that might more accurately evoke what their cars are really like ...

Squat. Squint. Stubby. Sardine. Guzzler. Impotent. Whiner. Stall. Lemon. Gutless. Shrimp. Turtle. Death-Trap. Misery. Penis Envy. Hopeless. Sissy. Thud. Wiener.

If you are an automobile company executive, please, feel free to use any of these you want. In the interests of truth in advertising and all ...