Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Vigilante Dreams

Now and again, I have these fantasies about taking the law into my own hands. See somebody slapping their three-year-old around at the market, or some dweeb blowing through traffic at ninety-five, or otherwise being a danger and/or displaying general tomfoolery, and the urge to do something wells.

To this end, a little card I'd have to print up:

Dear Idiot,

If you are wondering why your car window is broken and your dog is gone, it's because you brainlessly left the poor creature bottled up in your vehicle on a hot and sunny day. You can find your dog at the local animal shelter, though you don't deserve to have a dog. 

You can chalk the cost of your window up to your own stupidity. If I see this situation again, you won't get the dog back, and you you'll need to call AAA to have what's left of your car towed to the scrap yard.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I can't do that, though I have to say, if I were on the jury and this was the case? The DA wouldn't be adding this one to his won column.

I can point out that there are non-emergency police numbers that you can call to report such things, and that if the officer arrives in time, there are legal ways to punish somebody who leaves his or her dog in a hot car. 

And if I thought the dog was in real distress? I'd bust out the window anyhow. (When we used to go to dog shows, there was usually a note on the program book to the effect that if somebody reported a dog in a hot car in the parking lot and it looked as if the dog was in trouble? They would break the window and remove the dog, and consider yourself warned.)


Ed said...

Worse case scenario you go to jail....better for fans - you'll have more time for writing.... another plus you saved or took out something bad.

Dan Gambiera said...

There's a great picture somewhere on th' Intrawebs of a car sitting next to a fire hydrant. There's a fire hose in the front seat passing through both broken windows.

Dan Moran said...

Absolutely. Dogs are more important than windows.

James said...

You'll love this. I had a call with a dog in a locked car. Hot August afternoon in FL (like there's any other kind). I get out my PR-24 and prepare to Tomahawk the window as the dog is in obvious distress. Over the top of the car I see a man approaching who is waving his arms, trying to get my attention. I'm wearing sunglasses so no one can see that I see him.
*WHAM* I break the window out of the BMW as I hear the man scream. He runs up to me indignant and cursing. I ask him if that's his car. It is. Is that your dog? It is. I spin him around, put him over the trunk of his own car and handcuff him. He goes to jail for cruelty to animals. The dog goes home with his wife who, frankly, is more concerned about the dog than her soon-to-be-incarcerated husband.

Steve Perry said...

An officer after my own heart. Good job. You should get a medal.