Friday, August 22, 2008
NBC Drops the Baton
Okay, so I generally watch some of the Olympics every four years. I enjoy seeing the best people in the world do their thing, and there is something about the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat that is almost hypnotically-compelling to witness.
In an ideal world, everybody would run as fast as they could, jump as high, stick the landing, and the winner would be so because at that particular time and place s/he was the best person.
Niggling little things like biased judges, doping, lying about your age, jumping the gun, or getting one past the ref wouldn't happen.
That said, my biggest disappointment comes not from the athletes, but from the interviewers who surely must have been rounded up from a fleeing mob of insane asylum escapees and pressed untrained into service. Idiots, handed microphones, who could not come up with any more inane questions if NBC held a contest and paid millions for the Stupidest Questions Possible.
I have come up with some answers for the athletes, and I offer them here:
To the interviewer who approached the guy who was just disqualified after winning an Olympic medal, to ask, "Well, so, Bob, how do you feel about that?"
"What do you think? I feel like shit! Trained four years and DQed? What -- are you fucking stupid?"
"Mary, you fell off the balance beam, broke four toes, and lost the gold to a girl young enough to be your daughter. How did that make you feel?"
"Gee, Marsha, did your mother have any children who weren't brain-dead?"
To the interviewer of the guy who just won the hundred meter dash in record time:
"So, Bob, what was your plan for this race?"
"Well, Marsha, you know, I just figured I would go out there and, you know, run faster than everybody else and cross the finish line first."
"Tell me, Bob, what happened on that relay exchange?"
"What happened? That stupid motherfucker Larry dropped the motherfucking baton, that's what happened! Motherfucker couldn't find his dick with both hands!"
"Mary, it was your last dive in Olympic competition. Tell me what was going through your mind as you left the platform."
"I was re-examining Euclid's theory on Mersenne primes and the infinitude of prime numbers."
"Actually, I was hoping I wouldn't do a belly-flop that you clowns would re-run from now until the end of eternity every time there was a diving competition."
"So, Bob, you and Larry just won Olympic gold in beach volleyball. What was your strategy?"
" We thought it would be good if we could get it over the net and in-bounds more than the other guys. We knew if we could do that, we had a chance."
You know who really dropped the baton? NBC, for some of the maroons they had on-camera ...