Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Schwing!


So, Wednesday is gun night on The Outdoor Channel, and aside from all the things that go boom! in many varieties, there are certain commercials you don't generally see elsewhere: Gun supplies, sportsman's catalogues, laser sights, like that.

But the one that is the real howler is for a "male-enhancement" product. A simple capsule, according to Dr. Stein, founder of the you-never-heard-of-it Stein Clinic, designed to increase the size of that ... certain male body part. As opposed to uncertain male body parts, one supposes.

It is, as Bugs Bunny is wont to say, to laugh.

The ad goes on. There are on-the-street interviews with some guys who are supposedly real users -- all hooked up with babes -- who all say, "What can I say? I got bigger!" One guy even got a "heck of a lot bigger!"

The babes all laugh. Except the last one, who can't decide whether to laugh or frown, so she does both. Obviously not a method actress.

None of these users are what you'd call the most masculine of fellows, and one wonders what this means, vis a vis the purported increase.

Itty-bitty doubled is still small.

Well, one doesn't really wonder about that part too much: 'Cause it doesn't work. The ingredients in this wonder drug are all things you can buy over the counter in any health food vitamin section, and there is no evidence at all that they make anything bigger, save the wallet of the guy selling them. Look here.

True, some of the herbs do have an effect on blood flow and all, but if you are an adult male, what you now have is what you'll continue to have. (Though I do recall a short and unsuccessful campaign to legalize a certain weed a few years back in which the rumor was put forth that marijuana makes your johnson grow. Have to wonder how many redneck hippie-haters thought about that one and decided to have a couple tokes, just to see.)

And the side effects of some of herbs in this particular weenie-expander can be worse than what they give in return -- yohimbe, for example. It does help, apparently, but the effective dose is very close to the toxic dose. Read about the toxicity and decide if it is worth it.

Cripes, if this stuff worked? If it made. Mr. Happy add an inch or two to length, or more importantly, girth, they wouldn't need to advertise it on The Outdoor Channel. They'd have to keep it in Fort Knox under guards with shoot-to-kill orders (and peckers of great size to avoid temptation to sample the product). You could charge a couple of car payments per pill, and the waiting line would go round the equator ...

What is more intriguing is that they advertise it on the gun shows. Got to wonder about what their, um, target audience is ...

5 comments:

Dan Gambiera said...

One April First many years ago my Dad played to a packed house at the hospital. He had snuck "Augmentation Phalloplasty" onto the operating room schedule...

Doctor Jay said...

Steve, what on earth difference does it make what size it is? It works to specifications. 'Nuff said.

And don't think you know how big mine is. I ain't showing you. You don't have a "need to know".

I'm just really tired of commercial and political interests trying to yank me around by by dick. Telling me I'm not manly enough in thousands of different ways.

Steve Perry said...

Jay --

No need to know, no desire to know. Just pointing out how silly the whole notion of willie-growing is. Millions of men have ordered this product -- if any of the advertising can be believed, that part rings true.

And while one must make do with what one has, that being the only choice -- size does matter to some folks of the female persuasion as much as boob size seems to matter to some men. Nature of the beasts.

If you have never heard -- nor said -- Whoa, look at those hooters! or some variation thereof, then you are rare among men. It ought not to make any difference; the size of a breast needs only to be functionally big enough to feed a baby half a meal, but look around and tell that it doesn't matter.

Don't have to like the tropes that people use to judge each other, but you need to know what they are to understand that they do ...

Dan Moran said...

I don't care about the size of a woman's breasts. Large breasts don't work for me to begin with -- the only woman I ever slept with who had really big breasts, I mostly remember that at the wrong angle I got smacked in the face by 'em ...

And as for unit size ... size matters. Ask gay men, they'll tell you, and they should know, eh?

Kai Jones said...

Too big hurts. Too small is often a creative, inventive lover (the ones who aren't insecure, anyway).