Sunday, November 04, 2007

Spy/Action Movie Character Advice

1. If you are an undercover operative and somebody asks you your name, do not say, "Bond. James Bond." Everybody from the polar bears at the North Pole to the penguins in Antarctica knows you are a double-oh-agent for Her Majesty's Secret Service. Everybody. Tell them your name is "Smith." They'll still know who you are, but you won't look quite so stupid.

2. If you are the evil overlord and you have captured the secret op, shoot him in the head immediately. Do not devise some fiendishly clever way to kill him slowly and painfully. He will escape and come back to bite you on the ass. Every time.

3. Likewise, do not tell the about-to-die spy your secret plan, even if you intend to shoot him in the head an instant later. (See #2, last line.)

4. If you are a woman in the employ of the villain, never, ever sleep with the spy trying to get to your boss, no matter how hot you think he is. Jumping off the roof of a tall building onto the sidewalk head down is less likely to be fatal than getting it on with Mr. Bond.

5. If you are a criminal intending to take over a) a building b) an airport c) a freeway d) a power station, or e) anything else, and you see John McClane (aka Bruce Willis), run, do not walk, to the nearest transportation and flee the country. The man is bulletproof, made of Teflon and rubber, nothing sticks, and he bounces when he falls. Hang around, you might as well jump off a tall building head down onto the concrete now and save yourself getting all tired. You are a dead man walkin'.

6. If you think locking Derek Flint in anything will save you, think again. Not an airtight safe, not a cryogenic freezer.

7. Spies are professional liars, more so than politicians. Never ever trust anything any of them say about anything. If you think they have your back, they do, but only as a target for their knives. Exception here is the old pro Russian spy on the other side of the fence. He's your enemy, but him you can trust.

8. If you wake up one day and can't remember your past but suddenly notice you can tell the weight of everybody in the diner, which of them can handle themselves in a fight, and recall all the license numbers for every car in the parking lot, your name is Jason Bourne, that's B-o-u-r-n-e, and you are a walking death machine. If you want to save yourself a lot of grief, Jay, move to Tahiti now and forget about trying to remember your past -- you don't really want to know, and in the process, a lot of people, some of them your hot girlfriends, are gonna die.

9. If somebody from the government comes to your retirement cabin in the woods and wants you to come back to work for the spook shop for one last job of critical importance, don't do it. It will cause you no end of grief. You'll survive, but you'll get the shit beat out of you and a lot of people will die, some of them will be your new friends whose only crime is that they took up with you.

10. If you are the hero, for your own sake, buy a drugstore's supply of condoms and use them. Otherwise, all that sex will be your downfall. Nobody loves an old guy with twelve veneral diseases rotting his face -- and other parts off ...


steve-vh said...

And this advice for when you become overlord

Dan Gambiera said...

I'm afraid these guys have already beaten you to the punch.

Steve Perry said...

They punched first, but I hit harder ...

Edwin said...

Mmm, for hard-hitting, there is Peter's Evil Overlord List, which, last time I checked, had a hundred recommendations for evil overloards, out of a few hundred. The ones that didn't make it are listed off of that page as well.

I mean, when you talk about hard-hitting, look at #100:

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.