Sunday, November 04, 2007

It's a Monster!

Advice to characters in monster movies:

1. If you live next door to the graveyard and you hear a funny noise in the middle of the night, don't stroll over to the tombstones to see what it is. You will die shortly thereafter, screaming.

2. If you are a woman and you live next to the graveyard, burn all your nightgowns and switch to flannel pajamas. Many women in nightgowns have died at the fangs of monsters in graveyards, but none have ever done so in flannel pj's.

3. If there is a nine-foot-tall monster on your spaceship killing the crew and the only way to survive is to stay together, don't wander off on your own as soon as this decision is reached.
You will die shortly thereafter screaming -- and rightly so. I'll be rooting for the monster, because you are too stupid to live.

4. If you are a homicide detective called to a crime scene and you find a corpse drained of blood with two little holes on its neck? A vampire did it. What -- you never saw a fucking movie?

5. If you are a zookeeper and you find a naked man in the eland pen, surrounded by slaughtered and eviscerated elands and covered in blood? He's a werewolf. Shoot him with a silver bullet right now. (Silver bullets are hard to make, by the way, best you figure out how before the moon turns full.)

6. Nine times out of ten if something jumps out at you in a dark room when you are worried about being eaten by a monster, the something will be a cat. But: Don't relax, because the monster sent it to do just that and in a second, you will die, screaming.

7. If you shoot the monster and it falls over, it isn't anywhere close to dead. Drive a stake through its heart, cut its head off, burn it, put the ashes in a safe, and drop it into the deepest part of the ocean. It still isn't dead, but it might stay down there long enough for you to have a few good years before it comes back.

8. If Cyberdyne Systems down in Sunnyvale ever makes a family car, buy it. It will be the last one you ever need, and it will put Volvo out of business. When they come out with the Terminator robot model, buy that, too. It'll be smarter than the upgrade, and eventually will become governor of a large western state.

9. If you are looking for a new house and a voice inside one you are touring says "Get out!" do so as fast as you can and never look back.

10. If somebody offers to show you a video of something that is supposed to drive people mad and then they die? Don't watch it. The Japanese version is much better.

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