(Raygun, courtesy of Dal Perry)
So, I'm coming home from silat last night, it's a beautiful, clear, fall evening, and I'm tooling along I-5 about thirty miles out of Portland, enjoying the ride. I'm in the slow lane, doing 72 in a 70 mph zone, very little traffic.
All of a moment, some dweeb in a pickup truck rolls up behind me and proceeds to ride my rear bumper, close enough so you couldn't get a motorscooter between us.
I'm in the slow lane, remember, there is plenty of room to pass, but bozo back there can't seem to see that if I sneeze, we are going to be a highway statistic all over the road.
This is when you wish you had a working death-ray. (I think James Bond's oil spray out the back of his Astin-Martin is too good for people like this.)
It's not just that it's illegal, it is dangerous. In Oregon, according to an article I read recently, thirty percent of auto accidents are caused by tailgaters. I don't care if Bozo wants to wrap himself around a tree and meet his maker, but I don't want to go with him.
So, sans the death ray, what do you do? I used to have a bumper sticker that said, politely, back the fuck off. But sometimes my wife drives my car, and I didn't want her having to deal with people who might take offense. And they do take offense.
For a while, I carried one of those throwaway cameras, and when somebody got too close, I'd hold it up and snap a picture of them. That way when I got killed, maybe the cops could figure out who did it -- plus, at night, the flash going off sometimes caused the moron to back off.
Didn't work too well in the daylight, though.
Then I got a flashing scuba diver's light that strobes a bright amber. Hold that up, that works, too. They aren't sure what it means -- maybe the bomb is about to go off ...
I considered getting one of those little battery-powered LED crawl-signs and holding it up, programming to say something clever, like "Back the fuck off!" but maybe that's a bit confrontational ...
Mostly, what I do is just slow way down. If the guy behind me wants to hang too close at 70, he usually loses interest at 50. Unfortunately, this only works where he can pass -- on two-lane roads, you have to pull over, and it is interesting how many times I've done that that the guy behind me honks and gives me the finger when he goes by. I'm getting out of his way -- but he's still pissed off.
I used to use rude gestures myself, but I stopped that. Guy who drives that way is stupid enough to be armed and a road-rager. Sometimes I'd wave them around, or just hold up my hand in a "What?!" gesture. Or now and then, I'd hold my thumb and forefinger about an inch apart, indicating either a) You are too close! or b) You have an itty-bitty dick. Probably both.
I think this happens more to me than most people because of the car I drive, which is a two-seater red convertible, a Mazda Miata. Nothing special about it, car is almost twelve years old, but there seems to be something about a little droptop tooling along that just pisses people off. I have the top down, I'm enjoying the ride, maybe that just gripes 'em because they aren't having a good time, I dunno.
Anybody have any better ideas as how to deal with tailgaters, aside from shooting them, I'm listening here ...
14 comments:
The slowing down idea is one that I use frequently.
Another idea is to keep your left foot pressed very lightly on your brake pedal, just enough to light up your brake lights. Keep your brake lights on for awhile but don't slow down. I find that people usually back the hell off or pass you after a bit.
It seems to really irk them because they can't figure out whats wrong with you. Also, they may think you're a dumbass but generally don't view it as an insult to them.
I haven't used that in awhile as I don't find myself on 2 lane roads that often, but it has worked in the past.
caltrops
Yeah, I also thought carrying a couple of raw eggs I could just toss up into the air to decorate the tailgater's windshield would work.
Thing is, I have too good an imagination. I loft the egg, guy behind me gets it splat on the windshield. Scares him real good an dhe gets the idea.
But: It scares him so good that he has a heart-attack, veers across three lanes of traffic and plows head-on into a bus full of school children. Even if the police never figured out what happened, I'd know and have to live with it.
Those butterfly-wing things get tricky. I was hoping for something a little less likely to kill innocent bystanders ...
No, no, shooting's just fine. Don't be so hard on yourself...
I had a friend in S.C. who had some hi beam strobe lights mounted on the back of his rear windshield. Whenever someone would tailgate/brightlight him, he would hit the strobes. The thing about them is it's terribly difficult to look away from, and they only take a second to screw up your vision. And, in S.C., that's not illegal...At least, it wasn't in 1992. He had people swerve completely off the road and sit there for far too long to catch up to him again, while waiting for thier vision to return to normal.
Maybe the little flashing LED sign. You can get an itty-bitty battery-powered one for twenty-five or thirty bucks.
First, a polite message: Please don't follow so closely, thank you!
Then if that doesn't work, the alternate message: Back the fuck off or I launch the missiles ...
I have thought about doing the scrolling display thing for a while, I really like the idea.
I usually just slow down like you do. Ocassionally I combine this with a variant on Todd's idea. I will hit the brakes just hard enough to cause my car to toe-in a bit and then let up. This makes it look like you are coming to a screeching halt without giving up much speed. I have had people break furiously and swerve a bit in respose to this. Works best if your suspension isn't in the best shape. :)
This isn't really safe though, as you said what if they have a weak heart or are jittery and swerve and wreck into someone else.
Sometimes I scream about how this is the reason I don't carry a car gun, but that is just to vent. :)
J
Or there is this option...
http://tinyurl.com/skr3z
:)
J
Don't try that one in Texas.
Didn't I see that Death Ray (tm) in your study last Saturday...? I meant to ask you about it.
Yeah, the Death Ray is a model Dal made, cast resin, based on a picture he saw in a book of old toys, I think.
Got pretty good ergonomics, when you look at the handle shape and angle, a natural pointer -- grip it, hold it up at eye-level, the sight picture is almost perfect, only a hair of wrist-bend necessary.
What, giving guys the finger in Texas doesn't work?
Probably better than the little LED sign would -- not everybody in Texas knows how to read ...
Kinky for governor!
Texas is the nation's capital for road rage combined with firearms.
One thing that works during the day, instead of lightly touching the brake, is to turn on your headlights. The guy behind you will see the red running lights go on and think you're braking.
Usually I like to err on the side of them thinking i'm a moron and going past so that they run someone else off the road.
I gave a guy the finger once when I was still a young driver, was having a bad day and he had laid on the horn since I didn't take off from a light fast enough. Big burly guy in a huge truck. Ran me off the road and tried to get me out of my car, presumably to invite me over for a spot of tea later, right? Now I only give the finger to people I want to fight with. (j/k)
This is Hugo. Since, in order to wash your windshield, you really only need to wash the driver's side, the passenger's side washer nozzle is up for grabs; An ice-pick inserted in the nozzle provides appropriate leverage for aiming the spray OVER your car! At highway speeds this spray tends to wash the tailgater's windshield! It's only a minor annoyance, but then again, so is a mosquito; and just as people will go to great lengths to avoid mosquitos, so will the tailgater avoid you.
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