Are you tired of seeing stories about some rube in Missouri who got nineteen thousand dollars for a cheese sandwich with Mother Mary's face on it? Of a yahoo in Minnesota finding a valuable Cheeto that looks like Jesus walking on water that he hawked for big bucks on Ebay? Some McJob kid who finds Moses on a potato in the fry basket and sells it for enough to get himself a used car?
My friends, do you think this is just good fortune, like WINNING THE LOTTERY?! No, these things didn't just happen by accident ...!
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* How to open and reseal potato chip, corn chip, and even Pringles containers so that no one can tell. Imagine it as you open a Frito bag in the 7-Eleven, complete with the inert gas pop! that announces a never unsealed bag and come out with A FRITO THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE JESUS HEALING THE LEPERS, right in front of the amazed clerk's eyes!
* Carving tools and instructions, as well as vegetable gro-moulds™ for tomatoes, squash, cucumber, and yams.
* How to mold ANY fast food into any of six major religious figures -- moulds included -- Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the Archangel Michael, King Solomon, Satan, and IF YOU BUY ALL SIX, A SEVENTH BONUS, ABSOLUTELY FREE, Eve with the apple. Get all Twelve Disciples, and the special Judas Accepting Silver™ figure, for either popcorn OR dill pickles.
Optional figures available include the popular Hindu Set: Vishnu, Shiva, Ganesh, Kali, and Agni. Also available in limited numbers, Buddha, Lao Tzu, and Joseph Smith. David Versus Goliath and Samson at the Temple will be released later this summer; unfortunately, Allah and the Prophet Mohammad are not available at this time.
SPECIAL FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE JEDI: Luke, Leia, and Han, as well as Chewbacca, with R2D2 and Lando Calrissian. Darth Vader and the Emperor are currently out-of-stock, but we expect to resume delivery of those figures in about six weeks.
* Press kit, with instructions on the most useful outlets and contacts, such as Fox Media, The National Enquirer, and Rush Limbaugh.
If you order NOW, we'll include absolutely free a four-megapixel digital camera, good enough to show the shape WITHOUT REVEALING ANY CASTING LINES! and our free booklet, How to Select Gullible Witnesses, which includes THREE surefire methods for getting them to say EXACTLY what you want!
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Operators are standing by ...
11 comments:
Where's the pay pal button for this one? I'm in...
"There's makers, takers, and fakers."
I know everything slowed down, but I didn't know the writing business was this slow.
"I have this course! it has made me millions!"
-Dave in Elgin
Okay now that I endorsed your product so the rubes think it works what is my cut?
Remember what L. Ron Hubbard said -- writing is a mug's game -- the real money is in religion ...
It probably says something about me that the only one of these I was ever tempted by was "crackwhores.com" -- I'm sure that url is taken these days, but way back when the web was new me and a buddy used to talk about the ads we'd write for that business, mostly along the lines of "And you get all this for $19.95! But wait, there's more!" ....
Advertising is the true American art form.
What's killing me is that we have no idea what these historical/religious figures actually looked like...All you're buying into is what DaVinci or Michelangelo rendered them as.
"How do you know it's Jesus?"
"Because it looks just like his picture!"
You may be preaching on Mencken in this post, but it's closer to P.T. Barnum's Dictum.
Bobbe - odds are Jesus looked a lot more like Moishe Rabinowitz or Ahmed Elbaz than the straight-nosed pale-skinned Aryan Jesus everyone sees in paintings and grilled cheese sandwiches.
Mencken and Barnum were intellectual brothers, insofar as how they viewed the American public.
There are a lot of smart folks out there in flyover country, but there are also a whooole lot of 'em for whom pouring piss out of a boot would blow out all their shop's wiring faster than a lightning bolt does a ten-amp fuse.
That people believe Jesus was a blue-eyed, blond-haired surfer dude just like the picture on the wall of the Methodist Sunday school wall boggles the mind; that they can see a likeness on a french fry induces amazement beyond one's ability to form words. You just can't get any traction: "Look, it's Jesus on my cheeseburger!"
Uh. Uh. Uh ...
$19.95, and it includes a 4 MP digital camera? Actually, that sounds like a deal no matter how you wrap it!
IN Clearwater, FL a picture, kind of in outline, appeared on a bank's window of Mary holding the Baby Jesus. It was at SR 60 and Highway 19. Soon, the faithful had erected a cross on the grounds. Then seating was arranged. Sermons were preached. Clearwater PD had off-duty details out the wazoo for traffic control as Christmas approached. Then some smart ass found and old DOT picture of the intersection that was taken as they renovated the road. In the background is the building with a picture painted on the window of, you guessed it, Mary holding the baby Jesus. Apparently, the artist had used some sort of oil-based paint that never really washed off. Then, as the sprinklers activated over the years, the solutes in the extremely hard ground water glommed onto the residual oil from the paint and created an iridescent outline of the former picture. Did it stop the sheep from flocking to the "holy" site. Nahh, this sort of thing is never influenced by logic and reason.
Jesus in a Marmite Jar lid:
http://news.aol.com/article/jesus-face-on-jar-lid/503754?icid=main%7Cmain%7Cdl1%7Clink7%7Chttp%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Farticle%2Fjesus-face-on-jar-lid%2F503754
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