Where is the Death Ray When You Need One?

(Raygun, courtesy of Dal Perry)

So, I'm coming home from silat last night, it's a beautiful, clear, fall evening, and I'm tooling along I-5 about thirty miles out of Portland, enjoying the ride. I'm in the slow lane, doing 72 in a 70 mph zone, very little traffic.

All of a moment, some dweeb in a pickup truck rolls up behind me and proceeds to ride my rear bumper, close enough so you couldn't get a motorscooter between us.

I'm in the slow lane, remember, there is plenty of room to pass, but bozo back there can't seem to see that if I sneeze, we are going to be a highway statistic all over the road.

This is when you wish you had a working death-ray. (I think James Bond's oil spray out the back of his Astin-Martin is too good for people like this.)

It's not just that it's illegal, it is dangerous. In Oregon, according to an article I read recently, thirty percent of auto accidents are caused by tailgaters. I don't care if Bozo wants to wrap himself around a tree and meet his maker, but I don't want to go with him.

So, sans the death ray, what do you do? I used to have a bumper sticker that said, politely, back the fuck off. But sometimes my wife drives my car, and I didn't want her having to deal with people who might take offense. And they do take offense.

For a while, I carried one of those throwaway cameras, and when somebody got too close, I'd hold it up and snap a picture of them. That way when I got killed, maybe the cops could figure out who did it -- plus, at night, the flash going off sometimes caused the moron to back off.
Didn't work too well in the daylight, though.

Then I got a flashing scuba diver's light that strobes a bright amber. Hold that up, that works, too. They aren't sure what it means -- maybe the bomb is about to go off ...

I considered getting one of those little battery-powered LED crawl-signs and holding it up, programming to say something clever, like "Back the fuck off!" but maybe that's a bit confrontational ...

Mostly, what I do is just slow way down. If the guy behind me wants to hang too close at 70, he usually loses interest at 50. Unfortunately, this only works where he can pass -- on two-lane roads, you have to pull over, and it is interesting how many times I've done that that the guy behind me honks and gives me the finger when he goes by. I'm getting out of his way -- but he's still pissed off.

I used to use rude gestures myself, but I stopped that. Guy who drives that way is stupid enough to be armed and a road-rager. Sometimes I'd wave them around, or just hold up my hand in a "What?!" gesture. Or now and then, I'd hold my thumb and forefinger about an inch apart, indicating either a) You are too close! or b) You have an itty-bitty dick. Probably both.

I think this happens more to me than most people because of the car I drive, which is a two-seater red convertible, a Mazda Miata. Nothing special about it, car is almost twelve years old, but there seems to be something about a little droptop tooling along that just pisses people off. I have the top down, I'm enjoying the ride, maybe that just gripes 'em because they aren't having a good time, I dunno.

Anybody have any better ideas as how to deal with tailgaters, aside from shooting them, I'm listening here ...